Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.