[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat