You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
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I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!