I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
#oldknees
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”