After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
be careful
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.