I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
❤️❤️❤️
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”