My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
boat question
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself