customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.