ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.