Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I put the mess in domestic.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.