Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Squirrels before girls.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you