My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You Might Also Like
(True)
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*frowns in Scottish*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Best spoiler warning ever
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”