(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Customize Your Wedding.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
i think we should see other cousins
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order