They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
We’ve all been there
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
What an awful time to have common sense.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Safety first
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*