If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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This cat wants you to take your pills
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine