It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.