(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
God has left this place
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter