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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.