If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
What the hell happened in there??
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.