When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
You Might Also Like
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself