Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach