My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Remember folks 😂
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Lmbo
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*