In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.