Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting 鈥淪HIT PANTS鈥漖
Me: It was just time for a change.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
A young guy at work asked me if I鈥檓 ready for Christmas.
I鈥檓 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I鈥檓 not even ready for today.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
OMG, I can鈥檛 believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who鈥檚 out despite the stay at home orders.
Waiting for the Charmin
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
馃槅this is so true
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My life coach traded me.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I know I couldn鈥檛 handle being in a position of power because when I鈥檓 the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Alright. Let鈥檚 cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.