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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
no their not
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.