a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.