I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.