Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
He’s cranky this morning