Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that