“Theirye’re” problem solved
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
what does he know…
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?