If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“i am a sweet baby”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.