[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
181.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon