A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Check your privilege
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog