The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
How wrong was this guy?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.