[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
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My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell