aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Butt weight. There’s more!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.