Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*