Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
You Might Also Like
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
my mind
You just read my mind
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets