Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.