Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
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I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀