WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.