Just a bush.
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
All set.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
finally
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!