Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.