the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.