Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]