How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
There is no “we” in chocolate.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.