Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
one last job
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Life with a cat in one tweet
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.