Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!