genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
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If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The Joker was right
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
new wife guy just dropped
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.