Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me if I was a dog
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing